I started today as I usually do, I spent some time reading my journals, reading about my life. I say reading about because honestly I have no connection to the words on the page, clearly they are my words because it is my handwriting and I recognise that but beyond that there is no connection. I mean I am sure I do when I write them down but when I am reading them back another day I have a) no recollection of what I have written, b) there is no emotional attachment to what I am reading and c) they are just words on a page with no context so it is not even like they are from a book because they don't flow with character development or story and plot line resolutions. Depending how much I reading I do some days I just get sad that I am missing out on so much and what else is happening that I am not writing down, and utter horror and disbelief at some of my actions over the period of my life that is currently missing from my memory.
I feel like such a fraud! I have written about so many people loving me and supporting me and I feel like I need to come clean and say I am not the good person you all think I am. I have made some bad decisions that have resulted in a mess that my family and a couple of close friends are helping to sort through. I feel like that to accept the love and support that I am getting I really need you to know this.
I feel like a fraud on other levels too. It seems that on the surface I was pretty "together" I had mastered "fake it til you make it". The only problem was that I didn't actually make it! I did on the surface appear to have it all together and in reality should have been happy I have a great family, happy home, loving friends, but it was (and still is) like kinetic sand really on the surface it is quite solid and being held together but just one touch too much and it all crumbles away. It seems that over the past few years while I was coping on one hand but completely unravelling on the other I tried harder and harder to control things. My psychologist thinks that the harder I tried to control things the more things unravelled.
How does this make me a fraud? Because maybe if I had been honest with myself or even those around me then perhaps some of this big mess could have been avoided. Also, I think that by appearing to have it all together I was doing an injustice to anyone who didn't and was being honest about it. Life is tough and I think that we would be better served acknowledging that more and at the same time accepting all of the blessings that we have, they do not have to be big blessings to be great in our lives.
I have discovered through my readings today that I have an incredible amount of love and support from family and friends. I just wish that I had recognised this was there and reached out to that network sooner and for that I am sorry. I let you down by not believing enough in you all that you would be there for me no matter what (it is scary thinking you are loosing your mind!) and I let myself down by not listening to the advise I would have given any one of you if had you come to me.
I remember a conversation I had with my mum many, many years ago a young boy that we knew through the family had filled his pockets with rocks and walked out into the surf and drowned himself. He, for whatever reason didn't fell he had anyone to turn to, we know that he had made a mistake and he didn't feel that he had any other option. I remember mum being very affected by this and making me promise that no matter what there was no mistake too big that her and dad wouldn't be there for my brother and I. Turns out she was right! I am sure though they would have preferred I didn't test them on that. Being a parent is all about unconditional love, it does not mean that parents excuse our behaviours or accept them, it just means that they love you enough to help you find a way out of the mess. I know that I have disappointed my parents terribly and I am just devastated by that, honestly it is the last thing that I would ever want to do. I am so sorry and I love you so much thank you for everything now and always. It seems that many of the people that I hung out with when I was younger were making their big mistakes then I saved mine for later, none of us are really immune from mistakes, it is how we move on from those that is the true mark of our character not the mistake itself. I just hope that when my children are old enough to understand that they know that no matter what I will love them and support them regardless and I like my parents will help you navigate a way through if you ever find yourself in a similar situation.
Most importantly I want to thank my dear husband for standing by me and along with my parents helping me navigate this very rocky road. You had a choice and I would not have blamed you if this had all been too hard. Turns out that you are one of the good guys supporting me through "in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty. I will not seek to change you in any way..." just like you promised me 14.5yrs ago you are confirming those promises every day by your actions. I can't thank you enough for all you have done and hopefully we have now had our share of sickness and poverty and in time we can enjoy the health and plenty as we watch our children grow up together. Thank you again for all you have done and are doing and I want to again publicly say that I am so very sorry for everything I have put you through.
I want to finish with an unreserved apology to anyone that I may have hurt, offended, upset, stepped on you name it I am sorry. I will try harder to be a better person and to recognise what it is I am doing. I am sorry that I didn't reach out, to those friends who encouraged me to, I am sorry that I didn't listen, just generally I am sorry.
Finally THANK YOU to every single person who is helping support me through this journey, in whatever way that may be. Some support is coming from afar in the form of messages and cards letting me know that I am loved, some support is practical, some support is surprise gifts of chocolate in the mail. I just want you to know that every single act of kindness that we as a family has (and continues to) received it has made such a difference in our lives it will not be forgotten and one day I will repay all that kindness somehow. To my wider family (and inlaws) thank you for everything, your support for my family is invaluable and I love you all for that. I am working very hard to get better (what better looks like is yet to be defined) but I think that time is going to be my best friend on this journey and over time I will slowly heal.